Day One

Yesterday was the first day of the new term. My first class was cancelled, but since I currently know, like, two people in my entire program and wish for this not to be the case, I sat around in the classroom chatting with a couple other students for the entire length of the class. My program is interesting since there are so many students from such varied backgrounds. Most of them come from engineering, but some are just out of undergrad while others have worked in industry for years before coming back to build on their education.

Sitting and listening to one fellow talk about things he's done (including a failed business venture and how he studied for some kind of project management certification test requiring 1500 hours of experience) and his views on the types of companies/firms he's worked for (I hadn't even realized there was a distinction between the two :|), I thought he fell into the latter category. But it turned out that he'd just graduated last year and, because of the economy, decided to continue into grad school instead of braving the bleak job market just yet, predicting that prospects for entry-level jobs in his area would improve by the time he's done.

I guess that's what co-op does for you: being able to come out of undergrad with experience working for several different companies (not to mention at least some kind of sense about things like The Job Market) seems like an incredibly valuable thing, and if I could have appreciated this back then in the way that I do now, I probably would have chosen a different undergrad program and done co-op. That's not to say that I regret opting for the program I did -- quite the opposite, in spite of my opinion of the program itself: on the path I chose, I met some incredible people who have without question, and without even trying, changed my life, and I think I learned a great deal during my undergrad, even if it wasn't what my profs were trying to teach us in class.

Part of me wonders how my experience compares to those of the people I'd be working/competing with if I chose the academia route versus The Real World. I currently have little idea of what The Real World is like, and I can't help but listen to people who live in The Real World and be in awe of their vast wisdom and experience, feeling like my little Academia Bubble self would never stand a chance out there. And so it feels especially bizarre to receive any sort of oohing and aahing at my description of the things I've been doing so far, relating to school and to iGEM (as outstanding as I think iGEM is, from the inside), from such vastly wise and experienced folks. I don't feel impressive at all (more like woefully inadequate, half the time), and hearing people make impressed noises in my direction makes me feel more or less like a fraud. As if I said one thing, but they heard something else altogether, and suddenly I've inadvertently but unavoidably lied to them.

I've now steered myself into a program in which I'm not only doing a thesis, but also a considerable amount of coursework, and I've signed up for the co-op option to boot (which is extremely uncommon for a thesis-based program). I suppose, really, there's no point in comparison with other people, even if it were possible; regardless of where in the pack I stand, all I can do is do what I can, the best that I can, and that will get me wherever it'll get me. If I can figure out where I want that somewhere to be, so I can direct my efforts accordingly, all the better.

But lately I've been finding it increasingly difficult to direct much effort anywhere. Maybe it's partly because I spent most of last term being sick, but I think it has a lot to do with how I feed off of other people's motivation. When I'm around people who want to do things, I want to do things myself. Thinking back to fourth year, I still can't believe how productive I was, with courses, grad school and scholarship applications, trips to various places to visit potential labs (and all the research that went along with it) and of course iGEM, the task set of which naturally expanded to fill every waking moment. I remember spending all day at the lab and coming home only to collapse into bed. Scraping ice off my windshield at 2 am before finally heading home. I probably complained at the time, but now I miss it. ... okay, maybe not the midnight car-cleaning, but I miss the non-stop Doing Things, and the seemingly endless well of Desire to Do Things. Whatever it was that compelled me to do the things that I miss in spite of the things that I don't miss. But it wasn't just me: it was me and my friend, who got me into iGEM in the first place. It's so easy to get -- and stay -- excited about things when you're doing it alongside someone. It's more than how spending all day working doesn't feel so much like working (and can even be enjoyable) in the right company: it's how the right energy from some people can make you want to push forward even when they're not actually around. A wonderful positive-feedback loop of passion and drive. That's what I miss most, I think. It's exciting. From time to time I still somehow find myself in a super-motivated sort of phase, but without the feedback loop it tends to fizzle out pretty quickly.

At the moment, however, I'm quite excited for the new term. The courses I'm taking seem really interesting, I'm eager to get going on my thesis, and there's a really promising group of students involved in iGEM this term, including our two new co-ops. This is the best part of the term: everything is so fresh and full of possibilities!